Farewell, Dad

It’s been over nine months since that dark June evening in the hotel room. It’s been almost six months since I wrote my last post on this site, “I’m sorry.” At that point, while I knew I had begun “moving forward,” I was still doing a lot of “processing.” (those are all titles of previous posts of mine hehe)

I foolishly thought for a while that emotionally, I had done my grieving and it was time to keep living in his memory. While I always strive to live in his memory, I wasn’t ready to move on. I was and am still grieving, and that’s a good thing. I am here to tell you first hand that grieving isn’t a chronological timeline. Certain things, places and memories make me feel like he died yesterday: holidays, birthdays, family gatherings, the stones by the road at the end of our driveway, the show Lost, etc. But some days, I am so occupied with other things that I hardly think about my dad. I might have been processing his passing well, but let me tell you, I wasn’t done grieving. I learned that the hard way.

To be able to truly move forward, you have to be at peace with the past. It doesn’t come so easily, as I wanted it to. Lately, I’ve realized how many things were unconsciously built up inside of me. The things I wrote in “I’m sorry” continued to eat at me. I thought once I wrote about it, I’d dealt with it, but I really hadn’t.

The saying “hurt people hurt people” is true, I found. I had so much built-up frustration that was just completely uncharacteristic. It was there unconsciously, and it made me into something I’m not: hurtful, accusatory and defensive.

Over spring break, I went home and had some time to think and reflect (without schoolwork in the back of my mind). I went to my dad’s graveside, and while talking to him, I realized I kept saying sorry. Nine months later, and I was still saying sorry. I knew this shouldn’t be the case. If he were here, he wouldn’t want me to live in regret. And what can I do about those things? You live and you learn; you can’t erase it no matter how bad you want to.

I decided that I’ve carried regret with me far too long. I wanted to drop it and move on. But how?

That’s when I realized something crucial in my grieving process: grieving, a lot of times, is intentional. To forgive and forget, I had to act. You can’t just forgive yourself by thinking it. So I said my final sorry to dad, I texted and called several people who I had hurt or felt like I left on a bad note with, and I apologized. I didn’t hold anything back.

That has been one of the most freeing weeks of my life. I can finally say I’m done being sorry, and I’m starting over.